A Proverb A Day Gives Us Wisdom To Pray - Proverbs 1

King Solomon was the wisest man to ever live. Why, you ask? Did he spend hours reading over ancient analects and books of wisdom? Did he go on a quest for wisdom, searching the world over for the wisest scribes to consult? The answer to both of these questions is no. He simply asked God for wisdom. Who better to ask for wisdom than God, right? He knows it all. He created it all. He is the expert on wisdom. There was nothing supernatural about Solomon. He was human, just like you and I. God will do the same for us, as He did for Solomon. We just need to ask.

In verses 1-6, Solomon begins to declare and proclaim wisdom over us (as we read this) and explains to us what wisdom is. Receive this declaration and proclamation, as you read. It is a blessing bestowed upon us and the passing of the torch from King Solomon to us. In verse 7, we find the KEY to ALL WISDOM! Solomon urges us to seek wisdom from The One True Source, who is God. In verses 8-19, he tells us not to reject parental wisdom, which in itself is wise, because our parents have more life experience than we do. So, we should listen to their good advice. We can also learn from their mistakes. In verses 20-33, wisdom is personified as a woman (I love this) crying out in the streets for people to listen to her and call upon her for help. She implores us to turn from our ways and seek hers. Then, she explains to us what we will gain if we seek her and what we will lose if we do not.

Let us seek wisdom, my friends. James 1:5 says if we lack wisdom, we are to ask God for it, and He will give it to us liberally or abundantly. We just have to ask for it without doubt or hesitation. We must know He will give to us what we ask, when we seek Him, as long as we are seeking Him and not fame or things. Let Him be your goal, treasure, and prize. For when we put Him first and above all else, we have chosen wisely.

Proverbs 1  

Amplified Bible (AMP)

1 The proverbs (truths obscurely expressed, maxims, and parables) of Solomon son of David, king of Israel:

^2 [a]That people may know skillful and godly ^[b]Wisdom and instruction, discern and comprehend the words of understanding and insight,

³ Receive instruction in wise dealing and the discipline of wise thoughtfulness, righteousness, justice, and integrity,

⁴ That prudence may be given to the simple, and knowledge, discretion, and discernment to the youth—

⁵ The wise also will hear and increase in learning, and the person of understanding will acquire skill and attain to sound counsel [so that he may be able to steer his course rightly]—

⁶ That people may understand a proverb and a figure of speech or an enigma with its interpretation, and the words of the wise and their dark sayings or riddles.

⁷ The reverent and worshipful fear of the Lord is the beginning and the principal and choice part of knowledge [its starting point and its essence]; but fools despise skillful and godly Wisdom, instruction, and discipline.

⁸ My son, hear the instruction of your father; reject not nor forsake the teaching of your mother.

⁹ For they are a [victor’s] chaplet (garland) of grace upon your head and chains and pendants [of gold worn by kings] for your neck.

¹⁰ My son, if sinners entice you, do not consent.

¹¹ If they say, Come with us; let us lie in wait [to shed] blood, let us ambush the innocent without cause [and show that his piety is in vain];

¹² Let us swallow them up alive as does Sheol (the place of the dead), and whole, as those who go down into the pit [of the dead];

¹³ We shall find and take all kinds of precious goods [when our victims are put out of the way], we shall fill our houses with plunder;

¹⁴ Throw in your lot with us [they insist] and be a sworn brother and comrade; let us all have one purse in common—

¹⁵ My son, do not walk in the way with them; restrain your foot from their path;

¹⁶ For their feet run to evil, and they make haste to shed blood.

¹⁷ For in vain is the net spread in the sight of any bird!

¹⁸ But [when these men set a trap for others] they are lying in wait for their own blood; they set an ambush for their own lives.

¹⁹ So are the ways of everyone who is greedy of gain; such [greed for plunder] takes away the lives of its possessors.

^20 [c]Wisdom cries aloud in the street, she raises her voice in the markets;

²¹ She cries at the head of the noisy intersections [in the chief gathering places]; at the entrance of the city gates she speaks:

²² How long, O simple ones [open to evil], will you love being simple? And the scoffers delight in scoffing and [self-confident] fools hate knowledge?

²³ If you will turn (repent) and give heed to my reproof, behold, I [^[d]Wisdom] will pour out my spirit upon you, I will make my words known to you.

²⁴ Because I have called and you have refused [to answer], have stretched out my hand and no man has heeded it,

²⁵ And you treated as nothing all my counsel and would accept none of my reproof,

²⁶ I also will laugh at your calamity; I will mock when the thing comes that shall cause you terror and panic—

²⁷ When your panic comes as a storm and desolation and your calamity comes on as a whirlwind, when distress and anguish come upon you.

²⁸ Then will they call upon me [Wisdom] but I will not answer; they will seek me early and diligently but they will not find me.

²⁹ Because they hated knowledge and did not choose the reverent and worshipful fear of the Lord,

³⁰ Would accept none of my counsel, and despised all my reproof,

³¹ Therefore shall they eat of the fruit of their own way and be satiated with their own devices.

³² For the backsliding of the simple shall slay them, and the careless ease of [self-confident] fools shall destroy them.

³³ But whoso hearkens to me [Wisdom] shall dwell securely and in confident trust and shall be quiet, without fear or dread of evil. 

Footnotes:

1. Proverbs 1:2 Over the doors of the school of Plato these words were written in Greek, “Let no one enter who is not a geometrician.” But Solomon opens wide the doors of his proverbs with a special message of welcome to the unlearned, the simple, the foolish, the young, and even to the wise—that all “will hear and increase in learning” (Prov. 1:5).
2. Proverbs 1:2 A key term in the book of Proverbs, “Wisdom” is capitalized throughout, as God’s design for living and as a reminder of Christ, Whom the apostle Paul calls “the wisdom of God... in Whom are hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge” (I Cor. 1:24; Col. 2:3 KJV).
3. Proverbs 1:20 Wisdom here is personified. Read “the Wisdom of God” instead of “Wisdom” and see the wonderful power of this book.
4. Proverbs 1:23 See footnotes on Prov. 1:2 and 1:20.

*Bible passage and footnotes courtesy of Biblegateway.com

Blurred Lines

As Christ followers, we are called to a higher standard of living. A lot of believers struggle with this issue, because of our lack of understanding the how and the why behind God's higher standards for us. Remember, we are called to be in the world, but not of the world. There has to be a clear difference between the life of a believer and a non-believer. The lines can not be blurred. So, the issue I would like to discuss is sex. First, let me say that I am in no way writing this to condemn or judge anyone. I am writing that everyone would know the truth on the matter, and we know truth sets people free.

1 Corinthians 6:17-19 (Amplified Bible)

¹⁷ But the person who is united to the Lord becomes one spirit with Him.

¹⁸ Shun immorality and all sexual looseness [flee from impurity in thought, word, or deed]. Any other sin which a man commits is one outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body.

¹⁹ Do you not know that your body is the temple (the very sanctuary) of the Holy Spirit Who lives within you, Whom you have received [as a Gift] from God? You are not your own.

 God created us and He created sex. There are 3 reasons why He created sex.

1. To procreate - In the book of Genesis, Adam and Eve were commanded to be fruitful and multiply.
2. To unite husband and wife - This is the consummation of two people becoming one. See Matthew 19:5.
3. For enjoyment - In the Song of Solomon we are given a passionate picture of this union, as the King's bride declares "I am his and he is mine." 

Sex is God's gift to a husband and wife. Think of it as a gift that you wait until Christmas morning to open. If you try to sneak a peak at your gift in advance, it's not as great on Christmas morning. You may even feel a little guilty that you opened the present before it was time. This is all for a reason. If you read the Song of Solomon, you will notice the woman gives advice to the Daughters of Jerusalem to not wake love before it's time. She is encouraging her sisters to wait for marriage.

The key reason for this is because sex is not just a casual act for the fun of it. It is the consummation of a covenant relationship. Have you ever super-glued your fingers together by accident? You have bonded your fingers together. What happens when you pull them apart? Well, it hurts of course. Have you ever looked closer? If you have, you'd notice that part of your skin from one finger is now on the other and vice verse.

This is what happens when we wake love before it's time and the relationship ends. Whether it's a one night stand or a serious relationship, the pain is horrible emotionally, psychologically, mentally, and spiritually. This is because a covenant was made with the act of sex, and covenants are not meant to be broken.

A covenant is hard for us to truly understand in our Western culture. In ancient times a covenant was known as a blood covenant, which was a binding agreement, where a blood sacrifice sealed the deal. It was more powerful than a contract or agreement, as it was to last the life span of those making it. Therefore, it was considered holy and sacred. To break the covenant meant death to the persons breaking it.

So, aside from the emotional hurt of the loss of the relationship, there is now guilt. You feel dead inside. You feel like part of you is missing. All of this is because a covenant was made and then broken. So, there is a type of death that occurs. You feel like part of you is missing, because it is. You became one with that person. Essentially, you gave yourself away. Remember the Song of Solomon, "I am his and he is mine." "Two became one flesh." Now, they are separated. Part of you is gone and now belongs to the other person.

This is why we are warned not to wake love before it's time. The results of breaking this covenant are beyond devastating. With each covenant that is made and broken, you lose more of yourself, because you are giving pieces of yourself away that you can not get back. If this is done often, one becomes desensitized and numb to the conviction of the Holy Spirit. This is a very dangerous place to be.

God set up boundaries concerning sex and marriage to protect us from all of this hurt, guilt, and heartache. He set clear lines not to be crossed. This is not because He wants to take the fun out of life. Not at all. God made sex an enjoyable thing for humans. Think about it. He could have made us like some of the animals, where the female lays eggs and the male fertilizes the eggs without either one coming together. How boring is that? Nope, God made sex enjoyable, because He is an awesome God who cares about relationship.

Still with me? Don't tune me out. Remember, I want to educate you on the how and the why, so that you know the truth and can be freed by it. Trust me, it will help you to stand strong in a culture that runs rampant with sexual immorality. You need to know that you can overcome temptation. You are not an animal. You were made in the image of God, and He has given believers the spirit of self control. He will even help you in the midst of the temptation.

1 Corinthians 10:13 (God's Word translation) 

There isn’t any temptation that you have experienced which is unusual for humans. God, who faithfully keeps his promises, will not allow you to be tempted beyond your power to resist. But when you are tempted, he will also give you the ability to endure the temptation as your way of escape.   

You may be saying, that's great news, but I've already awakened love before it's time. So now what? Am I condemned to hell? The answer is no. However, you do need to confess your sin to the Lord and ask Him to forgive you and to strengthen you to live for Him, according to His way from this point forward, until you are married. He will help you, if you truly want His help and you want to live for Him in all your ways.

There is one other thing you may have not even thought about. Jesus has the ability to make all things new. All things means all things, even this thing. Now that you know sex is about making a covenant with someone that is not meant to be broken because you lose pieces of yourself, you should know that God can restore those lost parts of you that you gave away. So, when you pray, ask Him to do this too. If you have an STD, as a result of waking love before it's time, you can also ask God to heal this. He is our Healer and you can pray for this too. You might want to pray something like this:

God, I am sorry that I had sex outside of marriage. I know now that you intended for it to be a passionate gift to make a husband and wife into one flesh. I confess my sin to you now. Please forgive me. I understand that I gave myself away to someone that was not my spouse. Please forgive me for this Lord and restore those pieces of myself that I gave away, so that I may present my whole self to my future spouse when we are married. I also release the pieces of the people that I have had sex with outside of marriage. Please restore them, so that they may present their whole self to their future spouse when they are married. Heal my body, spirit, and soul (which is my mind, will, and emotions) completely. Help me to live as you have commanded me to. I want to honor you in all of my ways, including sex. I ask you to guard and protect my sexuality, so that I may not wake love before it's time. I pray this in the name of Jesus. Thank you Lord for healing me, restoring me, and for making me new. Amen.

Lastly, I want to encourage you. I believe in practicing what I preach. I am waiting for marriage. I determined long ago to save myself for my husband, so that I could present my whole self to him once we are married. So, it can be done. I am a living testimony of this. So, be encouraged, stay strong, and do not wake love before it's time.

Daddy Issues (Part 5 - Let the Healing Begin)

Daddy Issues

It is not the end of the world that you did not have that perfect relationship with your dad! Life has gone on, and you are still here and still breathing. Can I share with you something truly amazing?

You have a Heavenly Father who loves you more than you know. Nothing you have done in your life - past, present, or future could make Him love you less. He is crazy about you. He is God. He is not a man that He should lie, and He never breaks His promises. You can trust Him. He declares that He is the Father to the fatherless. He has great plans for you - plans to give you a hope and a future, not plans for evil, but plans for peace. He loved you so much dear one, that He sent His One and Only Son to die for you. The price has already been paid, so you don't have to pay it.

God is your Daddy and His love is Perfect. He is your hope and your confidence. He will guide you, lead you, and cheer you on to be the best YOU that He created YOU to be. Let Him heal you to the core of your soul (your mind, your will, and your emotions). I pray the Lord wraps you in His loving arms today and reassures you that He loves you and He is for YOU.

Your biological father failed you, hurt you, and disappointed you. You've tried to find your worth in things that didn't work. Your confidence was broken and you were hopeless. You need your Heavenly Father's love to cheer you on, to lift you up, and to be your guide. God makes all things new. He restores your heart and can turn your ashes into beauty. He can give you life for the death. He can wash away all of the dirt, pain, and hurt. He can pull you through. He can make you whole, and because of Him, you are worthy.

Do not ascribe to God the same thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and actions that you have ascribed to your earthly daddy. God is not that man! Learn to separate the two. This is where your healing will stem from. I myself have been learning to ascribe trust to my Abba Daddy, for He is trustworthy. By the way, ABBA means Daddy - the PERFECT Daddy that we all long for, yearn to have a loving relationship with, and have been looking for! This Daddy exists and so does this beautiful relationship with Him!

It has not been easy for me to trust, but I am learning to crucify that part of me daily, so that I can trust Him. I also ask Him to help me to do this, because I can't do it on my own. My human heart wants to revert back to what it has always known, by my earthly dad's example. The Lord is gentle and lovingly patient and kind with me in this area of my weakness, and He is working with me and partnering with me to set me free from this completely. He knows all, sees all, and always has my good in mind. He is for me and not against me. All of His plans are for my hope and my future. He will not lie to me, run out on me, use me, abuse me, mistreat me, manipulate me, or abandon me.

We have to unlearn the negative things that our earthly daddy's actions, deeds, and words taught us. God is NOTHING like that man! Do you hear me? There is NO COMPARISON!!! So, STOP comparing them. You have to make a clean break in your heart and mind between the two. You have to retrain your mind and heart to know that God is a Perfect, Affectionate, Intimate, Caring, Protecting, Healing, Providing, Encouraging, Loving Daddy and YOU CAN TRUST HIM! Please, let go of all that your earthly daddy did, did not do, was, and could not be for you. God wants to be all of that and more for you now. He is here and He is your Daddy forever. Trust Him. Look to Him for all that you need.

There is a group called "All Things New" and they have this amazing new song, "New Man." It's about "Daddy Issues." I want you to hear the lead singer's story and then the song. Let God heal you.

http://youtu.be/_1LizNDDL78

http://youtu.be/J--c7RHfwEQ

Daddy Issues (Part 4 - Where We Go From Here)

Daddy Issues

Now that all of the background information is out of the way, we can get to the heart of the matter; the effects of all of this. I have had trust issues. I have flinched when I see any inclination of a man being abusive in any way of a woman or children. This is why the issue of Human Trafficking breaks my heart, and moves me, as it does, because it is abuse of women and girls. Women were not made for abuse.

I was angry and hurt by my "Daddy Issues." I went to counseling to deal with it and get past it. I have had issues with people who try to manipulate myself or other people that are close to me. I have not had the best of relationships with men. My weight has gone up and down. In short, I have had “Daddy Issues.” 

What are “Daddy Issues” you ask? They are the results of trauma, hurt, and disappointment that stretches into your present life. Now, we can live as best as we know how with such issues, or we can overcome them. It’s the difference between victory and victimization. You see, I was a victim once, when I could not do anything about it, but now I have the power of choice, as to whether I continue to be the victim, or break free from the cycle. 

My dad came from a cycle of abuse, where he just continued the cycle, instead of making a conscious choice to break it. I have the same power. I can choose to be a victim and wallow in the pain of my past, using it as excuses for failures and shortcomings in my life, or I can put a period and move on. I choose to move on.  

Life is not perfect. Very few kids grew up in loving and nurturing homes, had the love and protection of their father, or a sweet relationship with him. The reality is there is a whole generation out there that does not even know their father. 

It’s quite sad, this reality. Good men are hard to find, but I am confident they are out there. Society is out of control because of "Daddy Issues." Angry, hurt kids become angry and hurt adults, who hurt other people, because they themselves are hurting so bad. That is, unless they choose to stop being the victim and break the cycle of abuse. It is easier said than done, by the way.

I want to encourage you right now. You are reading this and no doubt you can relate. You have your own "Daddy Issues." You've wondered what's wrong with you. What could you have done differently to make it all better? Stop! There is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing else different that you could have done to change matters. You were a child. Your dad should have known better and done better, but in all honesty, he did the best that he knew how to do. Remember, he was a kid once who had "Daddy Issues." He too was hurt, very deeply, so deep that he never could see a way to break free from the cycle. But you are different. You are going to break free today!

See, it all begins with the F word. No, not that one. This one...forgiveness. Now, before you get all upset and say, but you don't know what he did. He did ... Stop! Forgiveness is for you dear one. Forgiveness is you releasing the death grip that you have on the butcher knife in your hand, so that someone can remove the knife from your hand, without you being further wounded. Forgiveness releases YOU! It breaks the chains, weights, and shackles that you have been dragging around all these years. Do you want freedom? Do you want to be free? Do you want to break the cycle, so that you can have a loving family of your own that you pour your love into? Then, forgive your dad.

It's been how long? How many years have you been angry? How many failed relationships have you been in and out of? How many negative behaviors have you developed to cope? Aren't you tired of all of that? Then, let it go. Do it today. Forgive your dad. Release him. Declare that he owes you nothing and put a period and move on. You owe it to yourself, your spouse (or future spouse) and your children (or future children). The cycle breaks with you - with your conscious decision to be free and to live free. It also breaks with your choice to love yourself and then love others, as you love yourself.

Will it all be sunshine and rainbows? No, but you will be at peace within. Don't you want peace for your heart and soul? Do you want peace in your marriage (or future marriage)? The choice is yours. You stand at a great precipice. The power of choice is in your hands. I am praying for you. You are more than a conqueror. You are an overcomer.

Let this song, Overcomer, by Mandisa encourage you right now to release your "Daddy Issues" today through the power of forgiveness.

http://youtu.be/z29olPjFbqg

Continued...

Daddy Issues (Part 3 - The College Years)

Daddy Issues

The years continued on and I desired less and less to go back to NY to visit. I was in college now. It was around this time that my dad fought to have me emancipated a year earlier than what the divorce decree stated. He did not want to pay child support anymore. He did not even want me to go to the college I went to. He wanted me to go to the university near him, so he could use me as a tax write off. I refused.

The emancipation battle was the last straw for me. There was another volcanic eruption from me and I let more of my anger go. I told him I did not want anything to do with him and didn’t for many years. It was a huge financial struggle for my mom to raise me, basically as a single mom. My dad was not there financially, emotionally, mentally, or otherwise. He did not help put me through college. He selfishly wasted his own money on his gambling addiction. To this day, I am still paying on my student loans. 

My relationship with my dad has been on again and off again over the years. Every time I reach out and try to give him another chance, he just wastes it. We would have a few good moments here and there, but for the most part, our relationship stinks. He met a nasty woman and I told him not to marry her, but he did. She raked him over the coals financially and now they are divorced.  

When he had a heart attack and had to have bypass surgery, I dropped everything and flew home. I was hopeful his near death experience would have jolted something, but time proved me wrong again. Nothing had changed. 

Even today there is a strained relationship between us. I call him. I send him cards for Father’s Day and birthdays, yet I get nothing in reciprocation. I struggle to even find the right Father’s Day card that isn’t a lie. I didn’t have a sweet, lovey-dovey, daddy relationship. I am not about to pretend that I did, One thing I can’t be is fake. It is what it is.  

Now that he is older, he is losing a grip on reality. He watches all kinds of crazy programs about conspiracy theories. He thinks everything is a conspiracy theory. It’s crazy talk. I try to stick to safe topics, but eventually the conversation ends up in the X files. 

I have had to resign myself to the fact that I will never have that ooey, gooey, daddy/daughter relationship. That ship has sailed long ago. The reality is I can only muster enough grace to be caring and check in on him from time to time. I have forgiven him a long time ago, but I am still wounded. I can’t even begin to imagine how my brother and sister feel. I know my mom has forgiven him, but she has not forgotten.

Continued...

Daddy Issues (Part 2 - The Teen Years)

Daddy Issues

As I got older, I started receiving my own share of mental and emotional abuse. There was manipulation, lies, and dishonest motives. Never did my dad hit me, and in all honesty, it's probably good for him that he did not. After seeing and hearing all that he did over the years, I was very angry and I let him know it. I am thankful he never raised his hand to me, because I probably would have snapped.  

I began to realize that my dad was using me. Every summer I would go to visit him, the first place he would take me when I arrived was to the courthouse. He wanted his child support payments to be stopped while I was with him. What he paid was a ridiculously low amount, but to actually push to have payments stopped while I visited was despicable. It was a way to stick it to my mom. He would complain about how much money he spent on me, while I visited. Groceries and toiletries that a teenage girl needs were a source of financial argument.  

It was really in my teen years when my anger truly boiled over. As if the years of abuse and now the manipulation were not enough, I learned that there had also been infidelity on my dad’s part. He cheated on my mom, but blamed her and said she was cheating. The thing is, he was so controlling, and he would not even allow her a driver’s license. So, she could not go anywhere without him or without him knowing it. It was at the time of my cousin’s wedding that I learned the identity of the main woman that my dad had an affair with. She was at my cousin’s wedding and she was trying to hook up with my dad right in front of me. The volcano was about to erupt. 

Luckily, the music was loud enough to cover up what I said from spoiling my cousin’s wedding. I cut in on them dancing together and told my dad to go sit down. I pulled her to the side and let her have a big piece of my mind. I won’t repeat what I said, but I said what needed to be said and she got the picture to stay away after that.  

Of course my dad was not happy and waited, like a coward til we got home to unleash his verbal fury. He had no idea what he had just stepped into. I did not wait for him to finish his sentence before I went nuclear on him. He was so shocked that he could not say a word. I let it all out in one moment. I said everything that was on my mind from years ago.  

I let him know that his choices destroyed our family. I let him know how hurt I was, how I could not trust him, how I hated him for all of this, and how I was not going to stand for it any more. I told him under no circumstances was I asking for my family to be put back together, because everyone was far too hurt for that. However, I did tell him that he needed to think over all that he had said and done over the years and he had to make amends for everything. I told him he had to accept the responsibility for his actions and apologize to everyone for all of it. I told him he had no idea how messed up everyone was because of what he had done. I also told him he did not deserve happiness and I forbid him to remarry. He did not like this, but I told him he lost his chance and had to live with his decision.

I never felt so liberated, so free! It was a long night of me getting a lot off of my chest. It felt great. You know, my dad was crying and begging my forgiveness when it was also said and done. I told him he had to prove he was sorry, because I had heard him tell my mom he was sorry many times, only to revert back to the monster that wrecked our home.
 
To this day, I don’t think he has made amends with my mom, brother, and sister. There was a brief moment around my high school graduation that I thought he would make things right, with everyone together, but it was not so.

Continued...

Daddy Issues (Part 1 - The Early Years)

Daddy Issues

Recently, I was challenged to share my story in a series of writings. I am going to do this, because there are many people out there that are struggling in their adult lives, because of this subject. It is my hope that my own transparency on the subject will help many to find healing and will cause us to ponder some things, open up, and begin to talk about this issue.  

I grew up in central New York. My home life was far from perfect. My dad was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive to my mom. My brother and sister, who were adopted by my dad, as they were born to my mom's first husband, also received a horrific amount of mental and emotional abuse. Because I was so young, I escaped most of the direct abuse. However, I have not so fond memories of the countless times I saw my mom get punched, hit, beaten, and screamed at. My relationship with my dad, while slightly better than my siblings, was still strained and very awkward. How do you love someone that hurts the other people you love? It is very confusing. 

Because I was so young, I remember less than my mom and siblings, but I still remember. I do know that my mom, sister, and brother did their best to protect and shelter me from the horrors of the abuse. I have one vivid memory of my sister protecting me, and my brother protecting her and I from one of my dad's many tirades. This was the day everything changed. It was the longest day ever. To the best of my memory, the abuse started early in the day and went on and on into the night.  

This was the day my brother nearly killed my dad and I do not blame him. He was a teenager trying to protect his mother from being killed. My sister’s job was to call for help and keep me down stairs. After many times of the phone being taken off the hook and unplugged, somehow my sister was able to call for help. My uncle and grandfather came to the rescue. 

I still remember my uncle pinning my dad to the floor, while we all ran for our lives. We left with nothing but the clothes on our backs. We lived in the country and our house was 600 feet from the road, so we ran all the way to the road, where my grandfather was waiting for us in his station wagon. I am so thankful for him, because he took us in and helped my mom to get her own place.  

We were free of the immediate abuse, but now the nightmares began. The mind has a way of protecting itself in times of shock and stress, but after everything calms down around you, the reality of all that happened settles in. The hard part was navigating these thoughts, memories, and feelings, while having a relationship with the man that caused it all. 

It was beyond awkward, to say the least. I would spend weekends with my dad, trying to have a normal relationship. What exactly is normal about having a relationship with the man that tore your family apart? I tried to make the best of it, because I really did want that elusive relationship with my dad. It’s something every kid wants, no matter how bad their dad is. We want to think the best of him, because he is our dad. So, for a little while you forget. You stuff the memories, fears, anxiety, etc. to go fishing, go roller skating, go to the movies, or to a picnic.

It was 1986 when my mom decided to move us to South Carolina. So, I saw my dad even less then, which was a blessing in disguise. Instead of spending every weekend with him, it was now just the summer. The relationship was still strained.

Continued...