Daddy Issues (Part 4 - Where We Go From Here)

Daddy Issues

Now that all of the background information is out of the way, we can get to the heart of the matter; the effects of all of this. I have had trust issues. I have flinched when I see any inclination of a man being abusive in any way of a woman or children. This is why the issue of Human Trafficking breaks my heart, and moves me, as it does, because it is abuse of women and girls. Women were not made for abuse.

I was angry and hurt by my "Daddy Issues." I went to counseling to deal with it and get past it. I have had issues with people who try to manipulate myself or other people that are close to me. I have not had the best of relationships with men. My weight has gone up and down. In short, I have had “Daddy Issues.” 

What are “Daddy Issues” you ask? They are the results of trauma, hurt, and disappointment that stretches into your present life. Now, we can live as best as we know how with such issues, or we can overcome them. It’s the difference between victory and victimization. You see, I was a victim once, when I could not do anything about it, but now I have the power of choice, as to whether I continue to be the victim, or break free from the cycle. 

My dad came from a cycle of abuse, where he just continued the cycle, instead of making a conscious choice to break it. I have the same power. I can choose to be a victim and wallow in the pain of my past, using it as excuses for failures and shortcomings in my life, or I can put a period and move on. I choose to move on.  

Life is not perfect. Very few kids grew up in loving and nurturing homes, had the love and protection of their father, or a sweet relationship with him. The reality is there is a whole generation out there that does not even know their father. 

It’s quite sad, this reality. Good men are hard to find, but I am confident they are out there. Society is out of control because of "Daddy Issues." Angry, hurt kids become angry and hurt adults, who hurt other people, because they themselves are hurting so bad. That is, unless they choose to stop being the victim and break the cycle of abuse. It is easier said than done, by the way.

I want to encourage you right now. You are reading this and no doubt you can relate. You have your own "Daddy Issues." You've wondered what's wrong with you. What could you have done differently to make it all better? Stop! There is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing else different that you could have done to change matters. You were a child. Your dad should have known better and done better, but in all honesty, he did the best that he knew how to do. Remember, he was a kid once who had "Daddy Issues." He too was hurt, very deeply, so deep that he never could see a way to break free from the cycle. But you are different. You are going to break free today!

See, it all begins with the F word. No, not that one. This one...forgiveness. Now, before you get all upset and say, but you don't know what he did. He did ... Stop! Forgiveness is for you dear one. Forgiveness is you releasing the death grip that you have on the butcher knife in your hand, so that someone can remove the knife from your hand, without you being further wounded. Forgiveness releases YOU! It breaks the chains, weights, and shackles that you have been dragging around all these years. Do you want freedom? Do you want to be free? Do you want to break the cycle, so that you can have a loving family of your own that you pour your love into? Then, forgive your dad.

It's been how long? How many years have you been angry? How many failed relationships have you been in and out of? How many negative behaviors have you developed to cope? Aren't you tired of all of that? Then, let it go. Do it today. Forgive your dad. Release him. Declare that he owes you nothing and put a period and move on. You owe it to yourself, your spouse (or future spouse) and your children (or future children). The cycle breaks with you - with your conscious decision to be free and to live free. It also breaks with your choice to love yourself and then love others, as you love yourself.

Will it all be sunshine and rainbows? No, but you will be at peace within. Don't you want peace for your heart and soul? Do you want peace in your marriage (or future marriage)? The choice is yours. You stand at a great precipice. The power of choice is in your hands. I am praying for you. You are more than a conqueror. You are an overcomer.

Let this song, Overcomer, by Mandisa encourage you right now to release your "Daddy Issues" today through the power of forgiveness.

http://youtu.be/z29olPjFbqg

Continued...

Daddy Issues (Part 3 - The College Years)

Daddy Issues

The years continued on and I desired less and less to go back to NY to visit. I was in college now. It was around this time that my dad fought to have me emancipated a year earlier than what the divorce decree stated. He did not want to pay child support anymore. He did not even want me to go to the college I went to. He wanted me to go to the university near him, so he could use me as a tax write off. I refused.

The emancipation battle was the last straw for me. There was another volcanic eruption from me and I let more of my anger go. I told him I did not want anything to do with him and didn’t for many years. It was a huge financial struggle for my mom to raise me, basically as a single mom. My dad was not there financially, emotionally, mentally, or otherwise. He did not help put me through college. He selfishly wasted his own money on his gambling addiction. To this day, I am still paying on my student loans. 

My relationship with my dad has been on again and off again over the years. Every time I reach out and try to give him another chance, he just wastes it. We would have a few good moments here and there, but for the most part, our relationship stinks. He met a nasty woman and I told him not to marry her, but he did. She raked him over the coals financially and now they are divorced.  

When he had a heart attack and had to have bypass surgery, I dropped everything and flew home. I was hopeful his near death experience would have jolted something, but time proved me wrong again. Nothing had changed. 

Even today there is a strained relationship between us. I call him. I send him cards for Father’s Day and birthdays, yet I get nothing in reciprocation. I struggle to even find the right Father’s Day card that isn’t a lie. I didn’t have a sweet, lovey-dovey, daddy relationship. I am not about to pretend that I did, One thing I can’t be is fake. It is what it is.  

Now that he is older, he is losing a grip on reality. He watches all kinds of crazy programs about conspiracy theories. He thinks everything is a conspiracy theory. It’s crazy talk. I try to stick to safe topics, but eventually the conversation ends up in the X files. 

I have had to resign myself to the fact that I will never have that ooey, gooey, daddy/daughter relationship. That ship has sailed long ago. The reality is I can only muster enough grace to be caring and check in on him from time to time. I have forgiven him a long time ago, but I am still wounded. I can’t even begin to imagine how my brother and sister feel. I know my mom has forgiven him, but she has not forgotten.

Continued...

Daddy Issues (Part 2 - The Teen Years)

Daddy Issues

As I got older, I started receiving my own share of mental and emotional abuse. There was manipulation, lies, and dishonest motives. Never did my dad hit me, and in all honesty, it's probably good for him that he did not. After seeing and hearing all that he did over the years, I was very angry and I let him know it. I am thankful he never raised his hand to me, because I probably would have snapped.  

I began to realize that my dad was using me. Every summer I would go to visit him, the first place he would take me when I arrived was to the courthouse. He wanted his child support payments to be stopped while I was with him. What he paid was a ridiculously low amount, but to actually push to have payments stopped while I visited was despicable. It was a way to stick it to my mom. He would complain about how much money he spent on me, while I visited. Groceries and toiletries that a teenage girl needs were a source of financial argument.  

It was really in my teen years when my anger truly boiled over. As if the years of abuse and now the manipulation were not enough, I learned that there had also been infidelity on my dad’s part. He cheated on my mom, but blamed her and said she was cheating. The thing is, he was so controlling, and he would not even allow her a driver’s license. So, she could not go anywhere without him or without him knowing it. It was at the time of my cousin’s wedding that I learned the identity of the main woman that my dad had an affair with. She was at my cousin’s wedding and she was trying to hook up with my dad right in front of me. The volcano was about to erupt. 

Luckily, the music was loud enough to cover up what I said from spoiling my cousin’s wedding. I cut in on them dancing together and told my dad to go sit down. I pulled her to the side and let her have a big piece of my mind. I won’t repeat what I said, but I said what needed to be said and she got the picture to stay away after that.  

Of course my dad was not happy and waited, like a coward til we got home to unleash his verbal fury. He had no idea what he had just stepped into. I did not wait for him to finish his sentence before I went nuclear on him. He was so shocked that he could not say a word. I let it all out in one moment. I said everything that was on my mind from years ago.  

I let him know that his choices destroyed our family. I let him know how hurt I was, how I could not trust him, how I hated him for all of this, and how I was not going to stand for it any more. I told him under no circumstances was I asking for my family to be put back together, because everyone was far too hurt for that. However, I did tell him that he needed to think over all that he had said and done over the years and he had to make amends for everything. I told him he had to accept the responsibility for his actions and apologize to everyone for all of it. I told him he had no idea how messed up everyone was because of what he had done. I also told him he did not deserve happiness and I forbid him to remarry. He did not like this, but I told him he lost his chance and had to live with his decision.

I never felt so liberated, so free! It was a long night of me getting a lot off of my chest. It felt great. You know, my dad was crying and begging my forgiveness when it was also said and done. I told him he had to prove he was sorry, because I had heard him tell my mom he was sorry many times, only to revert back to the monster that wrecked our home.
 
To this day, I don’t think he has made amends with my mom, brother, and sister. There was a brief moment around my high school graduation that I thought he would make things right, with everyone together, but it was not so.

Continued...

Daddy Issues (Part 1 - The Early Years)

Daddy Issues

Recently, I was challenged to share my story in a series of writings. I am going to do this, because there are many people out there that are struggling in their adult lives, because of this subject. It is my hope that my own transparency on the subject will help many to find healing and will cause us to ponder some things, open up, and begin to talk about this issue.  

I grew up in central New York. My home life was far from perfect. My dad was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive to my mom. My brother and sister, who were adopted by my dad, as they were born to my mom's first husband, also received a horrific amount of mental and emotional abuse. Because I was so young, I escaped most of the direct abuse. However, I have not so fond memories of the countless times I saw my mom get punched, hit, beaten, and screamed at. My relationship with my dad, while slightly better than my siblings, was still strained and very awkward. How do you love someone that hurts the other people you love? It is very confusing. 

Because I was so young, I remember less than my mom and siblings, but I still remember. I do know that my mom, sister, and brother did their best to protect and shelter me from the horrors of the abuse. I have one vivid memory of my sister protecting me, and my brother protecting her and I from one of my dad's many tirades. This was the day everything changed. It was the longest day ever. To the best of my memory, the abuse started early in the day and went on and on into the night.  

This was the day my brother nearly killed my dad and I do not blame him. He was a teenager trying to protect his mother from being killed. My sister’s job was to call for help and keep me down stairs. After many times of the phone being taken off the hook and unplugged, somehow my sister was able to call for help. My uncle and grandfather came to the rescue. 

I still remember my uncle pinning my dad to the floor, while we all ran for our lives. We left with nothing but the clothes on our backs. We lived in the country and our house was 600 feet from the road, so we ran all the way to the road, where my grandfather was waiting for us in his station wagon. I am so thankful for him, because he took us in and helped my mom to get her own place.  

We were free of the immediate abuse, but now the nightmares began. The mind has a way of protecting itself in times of shock and stress, but after everything calms down around you, the reality of all that happened settles in. The hard part was navigating these thoughts, memories, and feelings, while having a relationship with the man that caused it all. 

It was beyond awkward, to say the least. I would spend weekends with my dad, trying to have a normal relationship. What exactly is normal about having a relationship with the man that tore your family apart? I tried to make the best of it, because I really did want that elusive relationship with my dad. It’s something every kid wants, no matter how bad their dad is. We want to think the best of him, because he is our dad. So, for a little while you forget. You stuff the memories, fears, anxiety, etc. to go fishing, go roller skating, go to the movies, or to a picnic.

It was 1986 when my mom decided to move us to South Carolina. So, I saw my dad even less then, which was a blessing in disguise. Instead of spending every weekend with him, it was now just the summer. The relationship was still strained.

Continued...

The Mysteries of God - Mystery # 5 - God's Covenant with Us

Mystery # 5 God's Covenant with Us (Genesis 15)

In Genesis 15, we see God making a covenant with Abraham (who in this scripture was known as Abram - as this was before God changed his name). A covenant is hard for us to truly understand in our Western culture. In ancient times a covenant was known as a blood covenant, which was a binding agreement, where a blood sacrifice sealed the deal. It was more powerful than a contract or agreement, as it was to last the life span of those making it. Therefore, it was considered holy and sacred. To break the covenant meant death to the person breaking it.

God had promised Abraham a son, descendants that would be as hard to count as the stars in the sky, a heritage, a land and a nation, wealth, and peace. At this point, Abraham and his wife were already old and therefore had no natural promise of children. Plus, Sarah was barren. However, God does not operate in the natural and nothing is too hard for Him, not even barrenness nor the old age of this couple.

The interesting thing here is God Himself is making the covenant with Abraham. He instructs Abraham to cut the covenant with 5 specific animals. However, we will focus on the significance of this binding agreement, rather than the gruesome details of it. Night falls and Abraham falls asleep.

¹⁷ When the sun had gone down and it was very dark, a fire pot of smoke and a burning fire passed between these parts of animals. ¹⁸ The Lord made an agreement with Abram on that day. He said, “I have given this land to your children and to their children’s children, from the river of Egypt as far as the big Euphrates River.

God was the One that walked through the blood of the sacrifice. He did not ask Abraham to walk through the blood. This is VERY interesting, because normally, both members of the covenant were required to do so. But God did not require this of Abraham. I just LOVE this about God!

God created us with free will. So, it was up to Abraham to choose daily to be obedient to God. This is all God asked of him - his obedience. God did the dirty work and the part that required someone's life to be on the line. His life was on the line, if He broke this covenant with Abraham.

Oh, but wait...He's God, and He can't die. He also can't lie. So, this meant He WOULD DO what He said He would do. He just promised it in a way that Abraham understood. Covenants were very much a part of Abraham's culture, so he got what God was putting down. God was speaking his language.

God was declaring to Abraham that in no way, shape, or form would He ever go back on His word. All God required from Abraham was his obedience and love. God did the rest. It's the same with us today, because God is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

God says I declare and promise this, this, and this to you. All you have to do is love and obey me. Two scriptures come to mind here. Proverbs 3:5-6 and Luke 10:25-28 (NIV).

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

and

²⁵ On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”
²⁶ “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”
²⁷ He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”
²⁸ “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”

The amazing thing here is God even gives us the grace to love Him and others. He gives us a clean heart and a renewed mind. He gives us His ability to love, as He loves. He also gives us His compassion for others. So, what's left? Submission or obedience to Him. God is a Gentleman and He will not force us to obey Him. He does not want robots, but men and women who choose Him freely. He does the rest.

The Mysteries of God - Mystery # 4 - Spirit and Truth

Mystery # 4  - "Spirit and Truth"

What does it mean to be a true worshipper of God? Is it something mystic, where you fold your arms and legs and chant or hum? Nope, not at all. It involves two things:

1. Spirit - with the soul (which is our mind, will, and emotions), with the very air we breathe or our breath, by the power and life of the Holy Spirit, with our mind, or mental disposition. (in the original Greek translation of this particular passage)
2. Truth - truly, in verity, with nothing concealed or hidden (essentially with your whole heart). (in the original Greek translation of this particular passage)

Let's look at Jesus' instructions on the matter in John 4 (AMP). He was having a conversation with a Samaritan woman ("the woman at the well") on the subject. Now, let me pause and explain here that Samaritans were looked down upon by the Jewish people. In fact, Jews would purposely take the long way around Samaria, to avoid it at all cost. This was ridiculous, since going straight through Samaria shortened the trip significantly. However, Jesus did not feel this way. We know this, because He not only took the time to visit with this woman, but He also shared a DEEP spiritual truth with her concerning worship.

²² You [Samaritans] do not know what you are worshiping [you worship what you do not comprehend]. We do know what we are worshiping [we worship what we have knowledge of and understand], for [after all] salvation comes from [among] the Jews.

²³ A time will come, however, indeed it is already here, when the true (genuine) worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth (reality); for the Father is seeking just such people as these as His worshipers.

²⁴ God is a Spirit (a spiritual Being) and those who worship Him must worship Him in spirit and in truth (reality).

²⁵ The woman said to Him, I know that Messiah is coming, He Who is called the Christ (the Anointed One); and when He arrives, He will tell us everything we need to know and make it clear to us.

²⁶ Jesus said to her, I Who now speak with you am He.

I was not always a true worshiper of God. I used to balance somewhere between spectator and Sunday morning worshiper, only. But all of that changed in 1999 for me. What was it that was the spark, you ask? It was a WOW Worship CD (1999) that I bought. It had this one song on it that just resonated with me. I could not get it out of my head and found myself singing or humming it throughout my day.

The song was called "Shout to the Lord" and it was by Darlene Zschech from Hillsong Church in Sydney, Australia. I immediately wanted to know more about this lady and church. I wanted to know if they had more songs like this. Thus began my love affair with Hillsong Worship music (LOL). Anyone that knows me, knows I am a bit Hillsong crazy. So crazy, that I went to Hillsong Conference in 2005. It was amazing and I can not wait to go back!

The passion and truth of this worship leader and team is undeniable. I was so blessed to have lunch with Darlene and a small group of people at the conference. By the way, I met her personally and was able to spend a little one on one time with just her. Let me tell you that she is the "Real Deal." There is nothing phony or fake about this amazing woman of God. She is as humble and as transparent as they come. My reason for meeting her was not because I am an aspiring worship leader. I was definitely not gifted with a worship leader's voice. However, I was created for worship, and so were YOU! This is why God made us - for worship (in spirit and in truth).

True worship does not start and stop on Sunday morning. It begins with YOU (just you) worshipping God throughout your day and week. Sunday morning is the crescendo of your personal worship experience, because it is now corporate (with other believers). Darlene says what takes us from being a spectator (someone entertained by the worship team) to a true worshipper is the condition of our heart. She also says the thing that tips music into worship is when we give our whole heart to Jesus in that moment. That's the key that makes all the difference in the world, because God wants your whole heart.

So, I want to encourage you to find the worship music that you feel resonates with your spirit (where you can feel the presence of God). I always recommend Hillsong Live or Hillsong United. I would also recommend Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman, Jesus Culture, or a compilation of worship music, such as a WOW worship CD. If you are still into mainstream music, let me encourage you to start listening to Christian music.

Central Florida has a great radio station called the Z - 88.3. In Savannah and the Carolinas, there is His Radio (100.5 in Charleston, 96.5/98.3 in Charlotte,  91.3 in Asheville, 91.9 in Savannah/Hilton Head, 88.3 in Myrtle Beach, 90.1 in Fayetteville, 91.1/98.9 in Raleigh, and 89.3 in Greenville/Spartanburg).

It's a little difficult for some people to transition away from mainstream music to Christian music, but there is great value in it for your spirit. Ask yourself who secular music gives praise and worship to? Does it lift up your spirit or does it satisfy your flesh? Remember, we were made for worship, and if we are Christ followers, we need to be worshipping Him. This is what you were created for. You can worship in your car on your way to work, school, or the store. Just don't close your eyes, while you are driving. =) Some of my best times of worship have been in my car.

Worship is intimate communion with God. The purpose is to give Him all the glory that He alone is worthy of. He died for you and lives to make you new. Did you know that there are personal benefits to worship? Peace of mind, knowing the will of God for your life, resting in His life restoring presence, letting go of things that were bothering you (burdens and worries weighing you down), are just a few of the many benefits. You also are nurturing your relationship with God and your inner spirit will grow and mature through worship. You can't say that about secular music.

So, you don't have to be a Darlene Zschech to become a true worshipper of God. You can follow her example, as she follows Christ. Just begin to worship. You'll see a huge difference in your attitude and your level of faith in God. God wants your whole heart, because He already gave you His One and Only Son.

For a deeper understanding of worship from an amazing worship leader and pastor, please read these two articles from Christianity Today and Charisma Magazine.

In Spirit and Truth by Darlene Zschech
http://www.christiantoday.com/article/darlene.zschech.in.spirit.and.truth/8156.htm

Why You Must Fight to Worship by Darlene Zschech
http://www.charismamag.com/spirit/prayer/18080-the-heart-of-worship

The Mysteries of God - Mystery # 3 - Deeper Waters

Do you feel the Lord drawing you out into deeper waters? Here's a great explanation as to why. Ezekiel 47:1-12 is an interesting passage that is a foreshadow of a portion of the new city of God that is yet to come. God showed this to Ezekiel - the Prophet in a vision and also to John - the Apostle (found in Revelation 22:1-5).   These passages deal with the healing river of God and the trees along the river, which give healing fruit year round to heal the nations. It's a very beautiful picture of the healing and restoring power of Jesus. Healing is the very nature of Jesus and something He wants for all of us. Healing is not just physical. It can also be emotional, mental, and psychological for all of the hurts you have suffered in your past. Then, of course there is spiritual healing, which happens when we give our lives to Jesus.   In verses 3-6 of Ezekiel 47, we find a hidden nugget of gold. Ezekiel is told to cross the river at different points that were measured by his guide. It is likely that this guide is Jesus (see his description in Ezekiel 40). He takes Ezekiel on a journey of this river and commands him to cross it at different points. The first time Ezekiel is told to cross the river, the water is ankle deep. The second time it is knee deep. The third time it is waist deep. Finally, it is too deep to cross without swimming.   The nugget of truth in these verses relates to our journey with Christ. He is the river. The question is how deep do we dare to venture in Him? Ankle deep? Knee deep, Waist deep, or over your head, where you can't touch bottom? How much of Jesus do you want?   Notice what Ezekiel's guide says to him in verse 6. "Have you seen this?" or do you understand what I have shown you? There is a checking for understanding here that we should pay close attention to. Do we get this? What good is it to go swimming on a hot day and only go in to your ankles, or to your knees, or to your waist? You will never truly be refreshed that way. Go all the way in, where the water is over your head, that's where the refreshing is. When you are completely immersed in Jesus, you find true and complete refreshing. So go for it! Don't just test the water with your big toe. Jump into the deep end. He won't let you drown.   I once heard Darlene Zschech (Hillsong Worship Leader/Pastor) say, "You've done all you can do. Now it's time to launch out into deeper waters, where you can't touch bottom and you know if He doesn't come through for you, you'll drown. That's where you need to be. That's where He wants you, in absolute trust and total abandonment to Him alone!" This is where God does great things. All we need is to trust Him and be obedient to what He says. He will save you from drowning, just as He saved Peter.   A NEW and great worship song the next generation of Hillsong worship has come out with brings back Darlene's words. It's pretty amazing, actually. She trained, mentored, and poured into the lives of these young people, who are now going for it, full throttle. They are sold out, poured out, all in, and willing to lay down their lives for Christ. Take a listen to this song and let the Holy Spirit speak to you about launching out into the deep, where you know if He doesn't come through, you'll drown. That's the place where you discover His will for your life, gain personal revelation, and discover your true destiny.   Oceans by Hillsong United http://youtu.be/-J4jgTzKyk8   Be blessed my friends, as you boldly step out into deeper waters for Him. Yours in Him, Pastor Wendy